Cheers Darlin'

Master Cleanse

2007-06-11T18:22:01Z

Day 1

I woke up craving mexican food.
I want one of those qdoba burritos with lettuce and cheese and the corn salsa.
I'm trying to think of that food as poison.
So instead I'm sitting here drinking salt water and hoping I make it through the day.
This better be worth $52 and no food.
I fucking LOVE food.

fuck yeah i can sleep at night

2006-07-07T18:32:07Z

i try hard at everything i do. and everything i try at i never fail.

anticipation.
repuatation.

everything i've sacrificed with no expectations.

bullets4brkfst @ 2006-07-03T22:52:00

2006-07-03T05:26:10Z

The Basics
1. Name:Kate
2. Gender:Female
3. Location:Colorado
4. Age: 18

Pictures (optional)

Favorite…
5. JM song? Why? Last Straw. I love the bridge: "I will wait for you forever while you run around like JFK." Also Lights & Buzz. and Bruised.
6. Something Corporate song? Why? ahhh Down because the second verse makes me die. The piano and the lyrics are amazing. Watch the Sky because its brilliantly simple and awesome live. Caldecotte Tunnel. Fall. 21 and Invincible.
7. Something Corporate album? Why? North.
8. Lyric/verse by SoCo or JM? Why? "you reach so hard it makes you fall for these hands that let you go"
9. Quote about or by Andrew? "Isn't that the amazing thing about the natural world? You can tear it down, you can drill holes in it, you can ignore its power with all your might, but one morning you wake up and it has selflessly given despite all of our abuse. I think I'll make a snowman."
10. Member of JM and/or SoCo (other than Andrew)? Why? Clutch? Bob's cool cause he stuck through Soco and JM.
11. Experience at a JM or SoCo show? I bought a willcall ticket for a JM show in Denver but when I got to the box office my ticket wasn't there and it was sold out. I didn't have any money so my friend conned a hobo into giving him her cell phone for a ticket.
12. Books? Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. A Million Little Pieces. My Friend Leonard. Catcher in the Rye.
13. 10 Bands/Artists? (Besides JM and SoCo) Counting Crows, The Format, Ben Folds, Mat Kearney, Brand New, Decemberists, Rocky Vatalato, Journey, Wilco... this is hard honestly.
14. Actor and/or actress? blah.
15. Movies? RENT. Gardenstate.
16. TV Shows? Parental Control.
17. Food? potatoes, dessert.

Random Questions
18. Do you have any of the Support Andrew wristbands, if so, which one(s)? Yes. I drove to Iowa to see the show at IMU. The girl who made the 11:11AM bracelets was there so I bought one.
19. Tell us a short story relevant to Andrew. When I met him for the first time in Illinois I waited in line for 3 hours during Yellowcard and didn't get to meet him until the end of the show. I watched him order pizza and shit and just waited there. When he came out I was so nervous I asked him to sign my tickets and accidentally gave him a bus pass instead of the tickets.
20. What was the best moment from the Live @ Ventura DVD? I drove across the country to the Ventura DVD shoot overnight. During "Wait", I passed out in the crowd and got to sit under Andrew for a good 10 minutes. It was sweet.
21. Describe Andrew in five words. intelligent, real, strong, intriguing, ba-DASS.
22. Do you make icons/graphics/wallpapers/layouts, if so, would you be willing to share them here? I have made a couple, I'd be willing to share them if I can dig them up.
23. How many shows have you been to for either SoCo or JM? If you haven’t, how come? 7 or 8. I'm working on a lot more this summer.
24. Describe Andrew's fans. Many of them are very genuine and awesome. Some of them are really frustrating and bitchy. At shows, it is a death match. I know I am the same way but Andrew always preaches about getting along and no one can really seem to just chill out.
25. Are you involved in any other LJ communities related to Andrew/SoCo/JM etc...? I'm involved in Street Teams but don't really participate.
26. Favorite object in space - be specific- (ie. a planet, a star, a moon, etc) the moon. hands down. i dont care how generic if i had a million dollars i would go to the moon before anything else.
27. In one word each, describe Jack's, Firescape, Something Corporate, Phanotom Planet and Bike Lock.
a. Jack's: fuck.
b. Something Corporate: life.
c. Firescape: lame. (sorry Josh, you're better off in soco)

28. You know Andrew has a way with words... have you picked up any new ones to add to your vocabulary? meh.
29. How has Andrew affected you and your life? I have made the best friends of my life through Something Corporate. The people I've met and the places I've gone are amazing. I have no one else to thank but Andrew McMahon. His music has got me through hard times, it has bound me with 2 of my best friends, and it has brought me all around the country. North is an album I will cherish forever. He could get up on stage and play the Barney theme song and I will fall for it.

bullets4brkfst @ 2005-10-23T18:44:00

2005-10-24T00:45:15Z

I made another new layout. thats how lazy of a day it was today.

and i went all out with it too

His stupid little irony

2005-09-06T06:39:04Z

I smiled and he walked away. Just like that he fled the scene. Through all my efforts, it still wasn't good enough- and suddenly I realized it's not good enough for me. I want a strong something with a plan of attack. I want a priority list and him at the top to be crossed out first. But he won't be.

So I said "Hey" a little louder and he kept walking. Not running, only walking. Void of a reaction, I still feel empty. But clearly I felt compelled to do something. Because I wrote this down like some sort of heart attack aftermath. It's been a long ass heart attack.

Sometimes I think it's my salvation and sometimes it's my plague. I feel dictated, subjected. I feel strong and above this but weak enough to fall for it. I am lost.

So fucking lost.

bullets4brkfst @ 2005-08-12T14:27:00

2005-08-12T20:28:01Z

Can I remind everyone how much I hate stuff?

Lenin

2005-07-22T19:34:07Z

I remind myself too much of my mother. Hold on, the cake is beeping.

Numbness of Sound

2005-04-25T19:51:33Z

I think it's important for me to understand why you would take the time into finding my password. The thoughts posted in my private entries are most definitely private for a reason. They're meant to be mine, and only mine. They're sometimes irrational, raw, and embarrasing. It just really sucks that you went against that. I don't know how you got my password and why, but for you to post it on a public entry is beyond the embarrasment. This opens the world up to reading my thoughts; thankfully, there's reasonable people who hopefully wouldn't. You can endlessly blame me for bothering to post this on the internet at all, but the features of livejournal, like controlling public or private entries are there for a reason. And a good one at that. After writing things I shouldn't public, I thought I'd try to heal the scars by making it private, and still it was broken. What vendetta are we involved in? What revenge are you looking for? I am sorry that you thought this would solve something. Livejournal pulls through yet again as a manipulative, destructive program. You are just another perpetrator. I don't know you are, but I'm sure I know you pretty well. This just sucks. That's all there is to it. I don't want to put you on a guilt trip or beg for attention. I just don't know how else to communicate with you. This is incredibly embarrasing. Just- use your intelligence for something more productive? We're all human beings and yet somehow we can't treat eachother that way. We can't respect eachother and we can't let things go. Is this a lesson? Is this revenge? Or are you just "bored" again?

bullets4brkfst @ 2005-04-24T11:09:00

2005-04-24T17:25:24Z

Erin's right...she was always the expert. 11 shows and I can only compete with 5. But still we're bound by the same sorry mistake. Or so it seems that way now. All the scars healed by Me and the Moon and the nights with North on repeat. Singing Down in the park, it was real. It was most definitely real. Erin speaks of the end. We were never ones to give up. Getting on that DVD, I can still show you where our faces are in the crowd. I remember that line and the people who slept there. But 2 hours before we were driving through Nevada. It almost feels surreal now, like some long-lost dream but I remember the marks on her wrist, and I remember the bracelets that covered them. And each bracelet had a new lyric. "It's a good year for a murder." I fear that all our money was spent on some kid's beginning. And now he's matured and ready for something far less meaningful. Andrew just needed a cheap band to get a start in the business and now he can move on... the only time I felt alive was when we were planning the next adventure. The next drive across the country to do what we do best. Love Something Corporate. I have nothing more to say... just to depict the end of an infusion. There's some stupid California commerical on USA. There's about 25 poems I wrote while listening to North. There's about 15 more shows I want to see. Er.

Air-drum through the end with me. Yeah?

Don't Scream

2005-04-21T02:50:39Z

I found life today. I breathed it in and I licked it off the window. I went to Taco Bell and had the most amazing burrito. It has got to be the best thing I've tasted in months, and all that organic food and all that weed and all the contenders of this pathetic year faded into the sound of his piano. I found happiness again, in the form of cheap food and greasy hair. Just like all those nights were. And how fucking beautiful. Rain was in my shoe and it smelled like cheap California man. I feel like the germs don't matter and the kiss is still gold. The fact that I gave all this up for a blank trip through spoiled egg drop soup and all the assholes but I feel like it's back again. I swear that the burrito was perfect. The right amount of everything and it was 89 cents and all these notebooks went to hell with my umbrella. i'm not making sense, but i'm not writing this for you, so all is well.

I found it in the form of a 50's rock song. A tune with 3 chords and a couple quarters buying us lunch. And I realized this when I tasted it. And I got sick of all the complaining. Of all the never good enough. But I know you're wrong. So can I keep going? In this alone I think I made it.

bullets4brkfst @ 2005-03-30T21:57:00

2005-03-31T05:02:13Z

By request of the user, this blog has been officialy terminated and will no longer be used for public posts and/or general livejournal purposes.

not a pretty girl

2005-03-30T02:14:54Z

i just have to wonder how it happened. it's like i closed my eyes to rest and woke up in a completely new paradigm.

...and its not cause i'm a pushover

2005-03-30T01:52:22Z

Dear Katy,

Welcome to another new page. Welcome to the leaf turning over. It is time to give this up. Why don't you shock all your friends and give each of them a punch in the face? After all, that is what they deserve, right? Well you should consider being wrong. You have all the answers, but you're consistently wrong. Where do they get you? On top of that parking garage under a full moon? In the alley on 11th and Pearl? The answers get you nowhere, not unless you know how to show them off. Everything points to you being your own problem. You are tied up in knots and holding yourself back. You're cold and complacent. So now you sit downtown and wonder where they all went. Now you stand back and every 5 minutes you'll remind yourself you have to let this go. You have to let them go. You're a mess, you're pathetic. Can't you find yourself anywhere? Maybe all you've ever done wrong is tried too hard. You put yourself on the line, and expect to stay strong. You say you don't know them, but who knows you? All those nights on the top of the world, I thought you would've figured this out.

Well welcome to another beginning. Welcome to a new set of friends and a new wave of repetition. Please just let yourself say goodbye. No one wants you hurt, they just want you away from them. Take a step back, and let this go. I can hold you up but only for so long. You are too much to handle. You are so much joy and so much drama and so much generosity and guilt. You are so raw. You just care too much, you just let them do this to you. I feel sick watching you fade away.

The people who know you best tell you that everyone else is wrong. Are they just protecting you? Maybe it's just too hard to accept your own responsibility. Especially when it leaves you like this.

How could you let yourself fall in love with a fantasy? You've hurt more than yourself here. You left the people that cared about you for people who never will. You left them behind, like they meant nothing. But they still mean everything, and now you're stuck in a very thin alley. You really fucked up this time. You made yourself believe this was worth it, and now you've got nothing. How could you expect them to put up with your bullshit and accept you back with open arms? Like you're that amazing?

You have to let them go.

bullets4brkfst @ 2005-03-25T10:00:00

2005-03-25T17:01:24Z

This lump in my throat's been there so long, it might be cancerous.

Obstacle 2

2005-03-25T06:14:13Z

A new addiction and a favorite flavor. This is me giving up.

Stealing. Stealthy. Salt. Sly. Surreal. Placemat.

2005-03-20T05:16:23Z

Surrealistic realization, but it's hardly real. Pavement is loud enough so that I can hear it quite clearly. John leaves for France tomorrow and I doubt I'll see him before then. So long, frenchy. I guess.
Wiley's in Arizona, Erin's in Chicago, and I'm working. Working pretty hard. We were so pathetic last night. Andrew leaves for Mexico, but for some reason I'm stuck on Michigan. All those m's just make my brain hurt. And there's this rubix cube, and damn, i'm obsessed with its completion. Good luck though. That thing's tough. I'll give it that much. I'll go out for a drink. Max is trotting up the stairs as we speak. Shit. It's really not a big deal. Taro readings and too much coffee. Too much sugar in that coffee at least. No parking garage sunsets. I've got a job. I've got a place to be. I was on the bus where I lost my wallet 15 times and there was this guy talking about the snow sculpture he made, and he was showing off the sunglasses he jacked from Safeway to sell on Pearl Street for a line of coke, but all they were talking about was what they were gonna eat for dinner at the homeless shelter. He hoped for steak, but said it'd probably be nothing like it. And I couldn't stop thinking that these are the kind of people she was talking about. Reality, or something like it. Microphones and Easy Mac because I don't have enough time to cook it. I don't even feel like they're here. Like when she signed on to look for just one screen name, and was dissapointed. Condoms left in soda cans...sand between her toes. I think I found her.

A green morning, mostly. A light. Distance. Delerium. Death. Destruction. Destroy. Damn. Something about that illiteration gets me going. Hahahahhahaha

hahahha
ah

in its briefest irony.

ok this is getting boring. ok this is becoming far too subtle. start screaming, please. start showing them what you're woRth.

v2.3 and a heart attack

2005-03-15T06:50:24Z

Before we met them, we called them the "Group of Attractive Men."

And I doubt I could squeeze a genuine statement out of the freshest lemon of any of them. But I want some fucking lemonade.

D

2005-03-11T03:50:41Z

Grilled asparagus is downstairs collecting dust. It was delicious. Barts was lame again. All the new music is completely heartless. Swiss cheese wouldn't come off the fork, sort of like the way I can't break this.

Take off your shirt, I won't call you a slut.

2005-03-10T04:23:32Z

I threw my cell phone off the parking garage. It still works. I watched it break and reluctantly put it back together. But all it does these days is dissapoint me. And everytime I'll let it go, and everytime I hope it dies there. Searched Barts for 3 days straight, listening to everything I could find and I finally gave them a break and bought the "I can make a mess like its nobody's business" disc or something. And watching it give up on the ride home. I haven't looked in the mirror for at least an hour. Just sat at the bookstore reading Junky. And an over-buttered bagel with a conversation I think I might've forgot about. Conan O'brien re-runs until 4:30AM, and where am I? I must be missing something. Confused about this carpo-tunnel and what it means. But I don't know. Greasy hair and the shadow of a crane was enough to make today worth it. The sunset I mean. But it's days like this that remind me of all the times I'm not what I wish I could be. I must have lost myself somewhere... in all those sushi rolls and infomercials. In all those times I meant it, but never understood.

You're like a magazine and I've read it 15 times. And every chance you'll smile back but I'm so fixed to routine. You're like an Amtrack train searching for it's next stop, and just hoping someone's there to add light to the lobby. She said you're wasting away. Well let me at least go with you. I mean, we all know it's worth it and everything. I don't know.

I told her that I didn't worry about it but I might've lied. So I guess I'll have to look to something better if I want what I've been trying to find. Like all those times I could listen to Clinic and Adam Green. Like all those times I never liked it anyway.

I just bought something off an infomercial

2005-03-09T18:10:20Z

I'm walking behind a man who's more scared of me than I am of him. I raced him once he crossed the street, and won. And for some reason the worst song I've ever heard is fitting the night in the best way. She said I'm losing my roots. I wish she knew why I've been doing what I do. And it might be pathetic, but it's a pathetic truth.

I saw a great Conan re-run last night. Turns out they play him all night on channel 9.

serena talked about surburbia

2005-03-08T00:27:34Z

And in your shades of beige, I can feel you losing trace of the ugly face. Left under your stairs and stale air is making waves through the craters. You’d probably hate her but you’re wrong. You're wrong because you're missing out. And in the gray scent of May, it's just enough to make you go crazy. Smog and just one lazy bastard making a break in your day. Well it's time to sit straight and sing. A chance to shine your shoes and hope for rain. And I’ll walk through those puddles in your boots...until you shoot I’m still awake. Until you take this away I’m still breathing. But I think it reeks. I think I smell you
Making waves through the craters of your beige colored waiter serving fresh baked pie on dirty dishes.
Handles your money like it’s all pennies. Like your strongest wishes. Like you ever thought there were many
And you'll say “I think your eyes need a new color”. I think you’ve used that line. I think it’s mine
I think you’re crazy and that’s ok this time around.

I'm not closing the door on you...in fact I'm letting you in.

2005-03-07T23:35:15Z

I walked into the pole on my way to the back alley. I was walking backwards so I could stare at you on the way out. And suddenly I realized how long it's been since February 25th. This has nothing to do with you. This has nothing to do with August. This is completely new. I saw you walk away and you look different in 4 days. Completely different. That's how long it's been, right? Well she told me that this salvage is worth it, but I didn't need that. I didn't need that voice. But perhaps sometimes hearing the right thing twice makes it easier to understand. Sort of like the sign for "Beautiful" and the expression on your face. I saw you trip into the car on the path off of campus. I saw you waiting for me. Well apparently you weren't watching close enough, cause I ran into that pole for you.

I loved that back alley. I loved the smell, I loved the window. I loved everyone who walked past ignoring it. I always told you that I loved second hand smoke. Well once I changed my name. Once I got new jeans. Once you became the backup plan. Then everything changed for me. But I still love it, and I'm such a hypocrite for that. It's unreal how ridiculous this can be. He told me to stop my convictions, ceasing the hipocracy. But think about it...once I let go of those, I've got nothing to say.

And then there won't be a cedar-scented book to buy at the dollar store. Then there won't be a signature on that receipt.

....and I'll have to make my money selling roses at mexican resturants. Deep southern fried chicken, folded up in foil and that's what's gonna feed the dog. my thoughts are haunting me.

You woke up on the floor...not because you were drunk but you didn't have the strength to stand. and i bet you'll rearrange this word 6 times tonight...just to pass the time...

I didn't actually take DXM....by the way....

2005-03-07T01:37:01Z

I'm sorry...

Nope, not scared anymore. Just kidding.

2005-03-05T17:52:28Z

I could write for hours, do you trust me? Max did something and I bet he feels bad about it.

There’s too many books. Read me your favorite line.

He found someone who understands. Sorry I fell asleep.

I’ve gotta read that poem again. It means something. It means a lot.

She asked me when this is over. She told me there’s no benefits. She told me these kids are crazy. And I read up on it, and she’s right.

I am so bored.

He’s okay, I promise.

Gasoline fucking rainbows. Ugh……………..

Ugh……

Catcher in the fucking rye.

You and your damn self esteem.

You and your damn bloody nose.

You and your drugs. You and your feelings.

You fucking emo kid.

Me and my glass of water, Lonely morning. Uptight.

Everyone’s so damn annoying and I’m right up there with them. I’m the same as you. Er……….so salty.

Where do I go from here (…I’m feeling this?) Where do I go? What do I look towards? Why am I even worried? Wait. I don’t even know you.
N
I start to love people really fuckning quick. I start to want you. I start to hate you. So fast. I gues I just live in a quick pace. They’re leaving and that’s cool. They’re leaving and they always do. They’re leaving and maybe I’ll just go home tonight. I’ve gotta clean up. I’ve gotta find a guitar that’s a little more in tune. But who am I kidding?

OH my god………. Where’s Savers? Where’s mac and cheese?

I miss stealing raspberries. I think I’m going crazy. Probably all that crazy corisidin I took. DXM and a beer. I’m set for the night. I’m set for the world.

I’mc hasing something. I’m running. I’m trying to catch up to the damn torpedo again. And leaving you behind.
You wouldn’t want to be there.

….going crazy. Way confused. You think you’re right, you say you’re always right but you’re wrong. You don’t try to understand. You know that. You just stay home and watch the wall by yourself. You just count the days until kyle is in town.

You just miss the past. You don’t understand change.

I know why I do everything I do and this isn’t about being lost. This is about being different. This is about trying to find something new.

This is about caring. This is about selflessness. Selfless self-preservation, if you could even imagine. Hahaha.

And- you have a phone, so why don’t you call me? I’m not responsible for your loneliness.

And god I’m sorry. I’m sorry I fell asleep.

But you probably liked it. You probably got a good cry and I couldn’t hear it.

And you’re just mad because you think you get it but you don’t. you know im stronger than you in the weakest way. WHAT?

Case of wine. Late night drive. You got pissed again. Why won’t everyone calm down?

Mouse. Tissue box. The washer made my clothes red again so I think I’ll go to sleep in red dismay. And I’ll drive my silver Saturn to that great big mall out in broomfield and buy some new jeans. I mean, I have so much money and everything. I care just that much…true story. I’m trying kinda hard here. I’m giving my best. And if it’s that sad, that’s sad I guess. Just the way it is.

Lame attacked. Limb on the ground while the body keeps walking. I wish this was a typewriter. I wish you never left. I have another hour and then I have to teach her to scoop popcorn like a pro. How am I so sure I want you to learn the trick? I’m not sure I want you there.

Cold water. I think it’s too warm to do this. And if it wasn’t worth 36 bucks and a good reputation I’d probably call in sick.

Took the laptop and ran. Turns out there’s no wireless connections around here. Just trains.

So the rooms still on fire and where are you? I thought we agreed you wouldn’t leave me alone? The cigarettes running out of ash and you won’t win the prize. And you, what are you doing alive? You look guilty.

Almost as guilty as an opera singer who hit the wrong note.

Do you miss me or something?

Maybe I’ll make this the 3rd lj post of the day. Ooooh I like that. OooOoooOOOol

Studying you. Yep. You look pretty studious. SHouldn’t have had that coffee. Now I can’t stop typing.

I feel like bleaching my clothes. Or crashing the car. Something to break the routine. I’m just so damn rebellious I guess. Myspace is funny like that.

I saw a spaceship outside your window. Did you see it disappear?

Suck it.

HAH

2005-03-05T16:45:02Z

I just realized that Truth. doesn't lie.